• Tahlia Asinate

How To Keep The Spark Alive

So, you want to keep those sparks flying? Don't we all! Because let's face it sometimes things get, well … a little stale. That’s okay, it happens to the best of us, however, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way!

Now, I’m not going to give you the usual tips. Instead, we’re going to dive a bit deeper and talk about specific mindsets that will help keep your relationship thriving & exciting. Are you ready for them? Of course you are, so let's dive straight in!

1. Focus On Yourself First — By far the most important, yet also the most counter-intuitive point is that you must focus on yourself first. The reason for this is that your relationship with yourself sets the tone for how others should treat you, every relationship you have is a mirror of how you treat yourself. Simply put, if you’re not going to prioritise you and your happiness, don’t expect anyone else to.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be selfish – If your partner is unwell, care for them, if they want your advice, share it with them. However, always come back to your centre so that you can be the best you, for the both of you. As they say, fill your own cup up first because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

2. Have An Unconditional Relationship — Most relationships have a set of unspoken (sometimes spoken) conditions where each person says they love each other but more often than not they mean something different. What they mean is, I love you as long as you meet the expectations that I’ve set for you.

However, when you begin focusing on yourself and taking charge of your happiness, you in-turn release any conditions and expectations that you have of others. You do this because you know that at the end of the day, your happiness is your responsibility. As such, any and all expectations of others are both futile and unnecessary. And by removing these conditions, you lighten any resistance placed on your relationship, allowing it to be healthier, happier and more engaging.

3. Communicate Compassionately & Consistently —Communication is key for any relationship to evolve and thrive. We need it to celebrate exciting experiences, just as much as we need it for experiences that are contrasting. In times of contrast, specifically, we must communicate with our significant other to make sure we’re both on the same page. However, before doing so, I suggest taking some time to process your feelings.

Why? Well, think of how many times you’ve gone into a conversation full of emotion and ended up with a terrible outcome. Instead, take the time to process your emotions, ponder why you’re experiencing them and see whether you can shift your perspective.

From there, sit with your partner but do so with an open mind and from a place of compassion. Understand that you may have different points of view and allow your conversation to help bridge that gap. Sometimes that may mean compromising or coming to an agreement, other times that may mean agreeing to disagree. In either case, the priority is to communicate, so both of you can work from the same level of understanding.

4. Be That Which You Want To See — In any relationship, what you experience is a direct reflection of what you put out. Meaning that if you want to be treated like royalty, treat your partner like royalty. If you want them to be kind and caring, then you be kind and caring. Don’t sit back and wait for your partner to show up a certain way, instead, take the lead by being that which you want to see. Or, as Charlie Munger so eloquently puts it … How do you find a good spouse? The best single way is to deserve a good spouse.

5. Look For The Positives — When any relationship starts, we’re eagle-eyed and appreciative. We love everything about our partner and see them only through rose-tinted glasses. As time and the relationship progresses, the tint slowly fades, and we begin seeing things we don’t necessarily enjoy. Then, the more we see them, the more we focus on them, and the more they seem to pop up in our relationship.

But what happened to all those things you loved about your partner? Even though you’re not looking at them, they may still be there! As they say, the grass is greener where you water it so instead of watering the negative, water the positive. Focus on the things you love about them, bring forth the emotions you had when you first met and continuously remind yourself of all the reasons why you fell in love with them. As you continue to do this, you will soon see that the more you focus on the positive, the more you’ll see them in your relationship.

When it comes to making the most out of your relationship, remember to focus on yourself first. Allow your relationship to be unconditional, be sure to take charge of your happiness and to communicate compassionately. And always, always remember to look for the positives!

Now, I'd love to hear from you! Did I miss any tips? What practices or mindsets do you use to keep the spark alive in your relationship? Let me know in the comments below, or message me directly.

Love, Tahlia X